I was recently enjoying a walk on the beautiful coast of San Diego as a friend and I were talking about the various components and complexities of romantic relationships.
Why is it that so many relationships start out strong and loving but end up being filled with animosity and resentment? Where did they go wrong?
No matter what, it takes two to tango, and unresolved relationship issues are never the sole responsibility of just one person. However, a lot of women end up feeling like there’s something wrong with them…that they somehow failed in their capacity as a life partner.
If this is how you feel, you’re not alone! And I’m here to tell you that there is nothing wrong with you. In fact, there is everything right with you.
There Are Two Sides to This Coin
I often talk about the common reaction of people blaming their partners for the discord in their relationship. But in this message, I’m going to focus on the other side of the coin…blaming yourself for the problems in your relationship.
Either way, blame is a distraction from dealing with the pain, and it works extremely well for that purpose. But if the goal is to work though the pain and move on, blame will get you nowhere. Taking responsibility without blaming with get you much further!
Moving on doesn’t necessarily mean leaving the relationship (although it could). Moving on means no longer staying stuck in a situation that doesn’t feel good.
You deserve to feel good about yourself and your relationships, and self-discovery and growth will help you reach that goal.
Why Are You Blaming Yourself?
It’s helpful to understand – and actually acknowledge – why you might be blaming yourself for the problems in your relationship. There are a number of possible reasons, and I’m going to share what I believe is the most common.
From the day you were born all the way up to this moment in time, you have developed certain behaviors, beliefs and patterns based on your relationship experiences and what you’ve been taught.
If your parents taught you that you were bad or wrong when you made a mistake or something didn’t go right, you may have developed an underlying belief that you’re to blame when someone is upset with you.
For any child whose parents got divorced, what once felt like a stable and secure environment (when their parents were together) was ripped out from underneath them for reasons too hard to understand. And the child often feels like they were somehow at fault for their parents’ problems.
For any child who had an alcoholic parent, what was supposed to feel like a stable and secure time in their life felt confusing and downright scary. Some parents don’t even know how to take care of themselves, let alone their children…and the kids end up feeling responsible for everything.
Do you understand the connection here? This isn’t about blaming our parents. This is about understanding the link between our various relationship patterns.
So What Can You Do About This NOW?
Understanding the patterns of your past is helpful ONLY if you’re willing to use that knowledge to your advantage.
Staying stuck in the patterns of your past and blaming them for your current circumstances is not going to help you. But choosing to liberate yourself from those painful patterns by turning them into powerful perceptions is!
If you’re feeling hurt by your partner, there’s something within you asking for your attention and love. Maybe it’s a lingering sense of rejection or abandonment from childhood and/or former relationships. It’s up to you to discover the root of your pain.
Once you discover that root, you don’t need to stay there. You don’t need to blame yourself. And you don’t need to feel bad about it.
Instead, you can use that valuable discovery as a tool for healing old wounds and moving away from old patterns.
Liberty is a Plant of Rapid Growth
Knowing that you have the power to change your beliefs and relationship patterns is incredibly empowering. And when you feel empowered, you feel liberated and free.
Once you feel liberated and free, this turns the focus from what’s considered wrong to what’s considered right and gives you the momentum you need to keep moving in that direction.
I love this quote from George Washington: “Liberty, when it begins to take root, is a plant of rapid growth.” And one of the best ways to nourish your growth is to stay focused on the result you’d like to achieve, not what you’re trying to avoid.
Instead of fueling negative thoughts by thinking and saying:
- “I must be doing something wrong; otherwise, my relationship wouldn’t be so bad.”
- “Things will never change.”
- “I made a commitment, now I have to stay no matter what.”
Transform these thoughts into powerful new patterns by thinking and saying:
- “I am worthy and capable of being in a loving relationship.”
- “I see my patterns, and I choose to make changes.”
- “I made a commitment to a healthy relationship, not to sacrificing my needs and desires.”
Changing your patterns isn’t always easy and requires patience and persistence. But if you stick with it, your efforts will be well worth it!
So remember…there is nothing wrong with you. You are a magnificent being and you are here to live your best life! If you want your relationships to be healthy and loving, you must believe in yourself and know that you are worthy of a healthy and loving relationship.
Stay tuned for more mindful messages. Giving you helpful tips and exercises to improve the quality of your life and relationships!
With love and support,
Healthy Relationship Coach
P.S. If you’re looking for extra support and guidance, feel free to contact me. I would love to connect with you and help you however I can.