Is There Something Missing From Your Relationship?

Being in a committed relationship that doesn’t feel quite right, but isn’t terrible, is a bit of a dilemma. In some ways, it may feel too good to leave – but in other ways, not good enough to stay.

So, what do you do in this situation? If you stay and things remain the same, there may always be an underlying discontent around the feeling that something important is missing from your relationship.

But if you leave, you might feel like you’re losing something good and may never find something better. Not an easy place to be, is it?!

The good news is, it doesn’t have to be as difficult as it seems. There are ways to get clear on this predicament and move forward with healthy changes.

Does the Good Outweigh the Bad?
After my last mindful message on the subject of: Are You Lying to Yourself About Your Relationship?, a member of the Healthy Path to Love community sent an email to me with this excellent point:

For the most part, I’m happy in my relationship. I love my husband and we get along great most of the time. There are some things I’m not happy with, but I tell myself those things aren’t worth leaving because in the end they don’t outweigh the joys of staying. But I feel like sometimes I lie to myself when I tell myself they “aren’t that important” though in the moment they feel very important. They definitely aren’t enough to leave and are very much a guy thing so any other guy would do them as well. But…Is that another kind of lie?”

I love when women are willing to go deeper with these types of questions, and I love that she shared this one with me.

In this case, I believe the mere awareness and acknowledgement of this “lie” transformed it into a truth…a choice to be honest with herself about what she’s not happy with. And I also believe she empowered herself even more by applying the ABC’s that I often suggest.

She applied AWARENESS in her acknowledgement of not being completely honest with herself when she dismissed something as “not that important” even though it felt very important in the moment.

She practiced BRAVERY in giving this truth a voice, instead of ignoring her awareness.

She made a CONSCIOUS CHOICE to focus on her knowing that the things she’s unhappy with “aren’t worth leaving because in the end they don’t outweigh the joys of staying.”

I appreciate how the example she shared brings up additional viewpoints to consider if you feel like you might be lying to yourself or sugar-coating how you feel about your relationship (which may create the feeling that something is missing).

First off, if something is bothering you, it’s perfectly okay to be honest with yourself about that – there’s nothing wrong with being real about the way you feel.

Of course you don’t need to tell your partner about every single thing that bothers you, but that doesn’t mean you have to dismiss the way it feels to you. We have feelings for a reason, and attempting to make less of them will not make them go away.

If something in particular bothers you, and that builds over time, it’s certainly worth exploring more – either with yourself in a way that helps you shift your perspective into a feeling of acceptance instead of resentment, or with your partner in a way that lets him know how you feel without blaming him for your feelings.

Another excellent question to ask yourself when it comes to the overall quality of your relationship is, Does the good outweigh the bad? Or does the bad outweigh the good? In other words, at the end of the day, do the things that bother you about your partner outweigh the joys of being with your partner?

Of course, that can change from day to day (or cycle to cycle) depending on other circumstances in your life, but I trust you get the point.

Are You Growing Together or Apart?
One of the many blessings of being in a healthy romantic relationship is the feeling that you can depend on your partner and the ‘way of life’ (typical pattern of behavior) you’ve created together.

However, in order to feel purposeful and fulfilled as individuals, we also need to feel the freedom to grow and change. If we never changed, we wouldn’t mature and evolve, and this stifles our true nature as expressive and expanding beings.

One of the challenges of growing and changing is that, in order to do so, old patterns and habits need to be transformed into new patterns. And when old patterns are interrupted, the people in our lives who have come to rely upon them may not be supportive or receptive to change.

Here’s a simple example: Let’s imagine that you and your partner have been together for a long time, and you have always been the one to take care of your home, make dinner, and shop for groceries. This pattern worked really well for both of you, and you were happy to do it.

Fast-forward to five, ten, fifteen years down the road…your life has changed and you have different priorities that require more of your time and energy. You now need help with taking care of the home, making dinner, etc., and you share this request with your partner.

But your partner thinks, wait a second, what’s going on here? Why should I have to change my patterns just because you changed yours?

There is no fault in this situation. The person who’s asking for support in a way they didn’t need before has every right to do so. And the person who’s being asked to help in a way that will affect their individual patterns has every right to voice their reservations.

In a healthy relationship, both partners can come together to work out a plan in which both people willingly accept the outcome.

It may not be a ‘perfect plan’ for either, but it can at least be a plan in which both parties choose to cooperate for the benefit of the relationship. Supporting each other’s growth is part of what it means to grow together.

But if you and/or your partner approach a problem with the intention of ‘getting your way’, and aren’t willing to negotiate for the benefit of both parties, that’s a sign of an unhealthy partnership…a sign of growing apart.

More often than not, it’s the woman who’s inspired and willing to grow, and the man who wants to keep things as is, doesn’t like the the idea of change, and fights the process.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that he doesn’t love her or doesn’t want to support her. It most likely means that he doesn’t know how, and so projects his self-doubt onto what’s being asked of him.

When challenging established patterns within a relationship – or asking for changes that your partner doesn’t want to make – a common reaction you may hear is, “you’re not being yourself” or “this is totally out of character for you”, which may cause you to start questioning yourself or feel guilty (which is the receiving end of their projection).

At this point, you can decide to either comply with how your partner thinks you should be, or honor yourself and who you are becoming, and be willing to let others be uncomfortable with that.

Yes, you may lose something good (the harmony from an old pattern that used to work), but you may gain something even better (your own permission to be who you really want to be)!

To Be or Not to Be
If your partner doesn’t support you in your self-development, growth and being who you really want to be, it may be time to ask yourself if they’re still the right partner for you (and vice versa).

This is an excellent example of that ‘something important’ that may be missing from your relationship. And this is what happened to me in one of my former relationships.

When I first met him, he was exactly what I needed and offered so many of the qualities I had been looking for. As a couple, we grew together in many ways and the relationship blossomed into something quite beautiful.

At the same time, I was also going through a HUGE growth spurt in my own development, and my individual path was leading me in a different direction than it had been when he and I first met.

As a result, over time, the dynamics of our relationship changed and I began asking for needed adjustments that he wasn’t comfortable with. As much as we tried, we weren’t able to align our individual beliefs – and get on the same page – of what an evolving partnership meant for the two of us.

Neither one of us was wrong, but after many failed attempts of reconnecting and aligning with one another in a way that felt right, I knew I had to make a choice of whether to stay or go.

It wasn’t easy, believe me! We had been together for eight years, and there was still a lot of love in the relationship. In some ways, it felt too good to leave. But in other ways – deeper, more meaningful ways that affected the expression of my heart and soul – it simply wasn’t good enough to stay.

After the much needed processing and ‘going within’ in order to get clear on this decision, and ultimately following my own healthy path to love , I knew deep down that letting go of this relationship was the right choice for me. And I was willing to lose something good to gain something even better – a knowing that I was being true to my heart.

Are You Willing to Be True to Your Heart?
So, back to you and the original question, Is there something missing from your relationship? If the answer is yes, what can you do within your power to change it? And are you willing to be true to your heart?

As the featured quote for this mindful message says: Don’t be afraid to change. You may lose something good, but you may gain something even better.” ~ Unknown Author

I’m not suggesting that you leave your relationship in order to gain something better. But I am suggesting that you leave behind the fear of making changes, and go within to find your answer and gain the courage to be true to yourself.

Whether that means staying with your partner and transforming your relationship into something better, or gracefully letting go of a relationship that no longer serves its purpose, there is no “right” or “wrong” in any of this.

The ability to make healthy choices about your relationships is based on your individual needs and beliefs, not what other people tell you is the right or wrong thing to do.

If you feel good about your choice, and in integrity with your core values, you’ll know this in your heart, and you won’t doubt yourself. At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter what others think of you – it matters what you think about yourself.

And yes, of course your partner is involved in your relationship and has every right to speak his truth about what feels right for him. The question is, is what’s right for him right for you? And the key to knowing is realizing that only you can listen to your heart  your partner can’t do that for you.

If you’re not used to being true to your heart, learning how to do so is not easy. But it’s one of the most empowering things you can do to create a relationship you love being in and a life you love living, so it’s worth learning. This is what A Healthy Path to Love is all about, and I feel honored to guide you on this path!

More Support for YOU
If you’re interested in learning more about the services and resources I offer, feel free to contact me. I would love to connect with you and support you however I can.

Always remember that you and the quality of your life matter!  You deserve to be in a healthy relationship, and you deserve to be YOU. Be true to your heart. ❤

Stay tuned for more mindful messages and other valuable resources – giving you helpful tips and exercises to improve the quality of your life and relationships!

With love and support,

Catherine Dietz
Healthy Relationship Coach
Licensed Heal Your Life® Coach
https://www.healthypathtolove.com/