Is the Pain of Staying the Same Greater Than the Pain of Change?

Author and life coach Tony Robbins has a famous quote that says: “Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.

This quote is famous for a reason. And I know most of the human race can relate, especially when it comes to romantic relationships.

Over time, there have been millions of couples who have stayed in an unsatisfying relationship due to the fear and uncertainty of change.

We humans love the comfort of familiarity. And many of us are willing to stay in this comfort zone even when the familiar doesn’t feel good and we long for something better.

But when the pain of staying in an unfulfilling relationship outweighs the fear and confusion of ‘should I stay or go?’, that’s when change is bound to happen.

If you feel like the scales are tipping in that direction for you, and you’re ready to move forward, you’re gonna love this message!

How to Stop Procrastinating and Start Moving Forward
If you’ve been wanting to make changes in your relationship, but keep avoiding it through procrastination and other self-sabotaging behavior, the first thing I recommend is to make a commitment to yourself to stop procrastinating and start making changes.

We all procrastinate sometimes. But if you find yourself regularly putting off what you know you need to do – especially if following through will make your life better – there’s no sane reason to procrastinate.

The key word here is sane. Because, in your mind’s attempt to keep you safe in the familiar and away from the unknown, it will surely give you all sorts of ‘good reasons’ as to why you should put things off…‘just for now’.

But when that now turns into later, and that later turns into never, you’re missing out on the life you’re meant to enjoy!

So, I encourage you to start with simple baby steps…especially when it comes to making emotionally-charged and difficult changes in your relationship. Simple steps like journaling about the changes you’d like to make, or researching books, workshops, or professionals that can help you.

The more you commit to taking these baby steps, the greater confidence and trust you’ll build with yourself. And the greater clarity you’ll gain about how to continue moving forward.

What You Resist Persists
Because procrastination is directly related to some type of avoidance or resistance, I’d like to share this simple, yet profound, lesson on how to effectively deal with resistance.

This will help you empower yourself to no longer put off what you know you need to do.

The following words are from Eckhart Tolle’s book, The Power of Now:

“Wherever you are, be there totally. If you find your here and now intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it totally. If you want to take responsibility for your life, you must choose one of those three options, and you must choose now. Then accept the consequences.”

The tone of “you must” might feel like more of a command than a helpful suggestion. But he’s simply stating the reality of what’s needed if you’re choosing to show up for yourself and take responsibility for your life.

Choosing to show up for yourself and take responsibility for your life experience means you are in the driver’s seat – you are responsible for moving in the direction of your desired destination.

You’ll certainly have ‘passengers’ who will tell you which turns to make, how fast to drive, or even what kind of vehicle to use to take you there. But ultimately it’s up to you to make those choices.

There may already be part of you that knows you’re not happy with the status quo and you want something better (perhaps the reason you’re reading this article).

And there may be a different part of you that resists the idea of change and tries to keep you where you are…feeling safe in the familiar.

This is like an internal tug-of-war going on inside of you a part of you that wants to move forward, and a part of you that wants to stay back.

When this internal conflict goes on for too long, it feels exhausting! But it doesn’t have to stay that way.

Take Your Power Back
Expanding on Eckhart Tolle’s words above, whenever you meet resistance in any situation that causes you to feel defeated, anxious, upset, etc., you have three options.

Well, technically, you have four options. But the fourth option just keeps you in your existing cycle of pain and frustration. So let’s explore the other three options and break them down one by one.

Option #1: Remove yourself from the situation. If you’re feeling resentful toward your partner and on the edge of losing your mind, this option probably sounds pretty f’ing tempting. I get it!

BUT, if you’re committed to trying everything you can to make the relationship work before going your separate ways, removing yourself before doing your best would be the last option.

This is a personal decision only you can make. However, before choosing this option, let’s see if you’ve exhausted your efforts for the other two.

Option #2: Change it. What can you do to change your relationship for the better? First, you have to identify the problem. And then find a solution to address it. Here are some basic ideas for the most common relationship issues:

  • Improve the lines of communication.
  • Find more ways to spend quality time together and connect.
  • Learn to speak each other’s love language (think Gary Chapman and The Five Love Languages).
  • Learn how to forgive and let go of resentment.
  • Set healthy boundaries that will create a sense of mutual respect.
  • Whatever other changes that are needed to make your relationship work.

None of these things can happen by just thinking about change. It can only be done by taking positive action and making the change.

Option #3: Accept it totally. This may be the hardest option. For example, let’s say you’ve already tried to make changes for the better, but haven’t seen results.

Maybe that’s due to your partner’s unwillingness to meet you halfway.

Or perhaps both of you are doing your best, but still not getting where you want to go.

Or maybe other circumstances beyond your control are impeding the progress of change.

The point is, you’ve tried to change the situation, but it’s just not happening.

And let’s say removing yourself from the situation is not an option for you, for whatever voluntary or involuntary reason. So now you’re left with the option of accepting it.

But it’s really hard to accept something you don’t like or want, right?!! Why would you do that?

Because if you resist it, you’re creating internal struggle. If you can’t accept it for what it is, there will always be a part of you that’s screaming, ‘No, I don’t want this!’. And that part of you will always feel frustrated and defeated.

If feelings of frustration and defeat go on for too long, this leads to resentment and depression. And THIS is why you must choose one of those three options.

Putting This Into Practice
This all makes good sense, right? But how do you actually put these ideas into practice?

Here’s a very simple example we can all relate to:

You’re on your way to your favorite yoga class, to meet a friend, or to do something you’re looking forward to.

You allowed yourself plenty of time to get ready and arrive on time. Then, after you get on the road, there’s been an accident. Traffic is backed up and you’re not moving forward.

In this situation, it is incredibly easy to get irritated. Damn it, you think, why is this happening right NOW? I planned for this and gave myself plenty of time, and now I’m going to be late!

Your body goes into stress mode. You’re losing your patience. And, within minutes of feeling happy anticipation for what you planned, you’re now hitting resistance and feeling frustrated instead.

Option 1: Can you remove yourself from the situation? No. You’re stuck in traffic and can’t move until it moves.

Option 2: Can you change it? No. It’s already happened and now it just needs to be handled.

Option 3: Can you accept it? Yes! It won’t be easy, but this is the only option if you want to avoid frustration. It doesn’t mean you’ll feel happy about the situation. But you can feel neutral – neither happy nor unhappy – just it is what it is.

That’s a super simple example of a scenario where acceptance is the best option.

In another scenario, one of the other options may be wiser and more preferable.

And in many scenarios, the other options are essential in order to live a fulfilling life.

The point is, no matter the scenario, if you want to avoid the stress of resistance, frustration, and unhappiness, “you must choose one of those three options and you must choose it now”.

I remember when I first read those words by Eckhart Tolle years ago. And I remember them hitting me pretty hard.

I had been resisting so many things in my life and felt powerless as a result.

This lesson gave me my power back by showing me how I had been creating my own pain. That certainly wasn’t on purpose – I just wasn’t aware of my options back then.

But now, when I find myself resisting something, I can’t deny that I am creating my own stress. And my mind is usually quick to return to the wisdom of this lesson.

Learning that lesson has helped me avoid a lot of unnecessary stress over the years.  I hope this inspires you to do the same!

Are You Ready to Stop the Pain?
So now, I’m gonna ask you to be real with yourself here. I want you to answer this question with honesty: Is the pain of staying the same (staying in a relationship that doesn’t feel right) greater than the pain of change (moving toward a relationship that does feel right)?

If your answer is yes, are you ready to stop that pain?

If your answer is yes, I encourage you to give yourself permission to accept the guidance and support of an experienced relationship coach. You can do this by taking advantage of your complimentary Relationship Breakthrough Session. 

I do what I do because I love helping women empower themselves. As extra incentive to stop procrastinating, and start making those needed changes, when sign up for my coaching program by February 14, 2022, you’ll receive $200 off.

Schedule your free Breakthrough Session today. And let’s get you on your healthy path to love! ✨💜

Stay tuned for more mindful messages – giving you helpful tips, insights, and exercises so you can strengthen your relationships, including the one with yourself. 

With love and support,

Catherine Dietz
H.E.A.L.T.H.Y. Relationship Coach
Licensed Heal Your Life® Coach