This month, we’ve been focusing on the various forms of love and how the quality of your life and relationships improves as you choose to focus on love as much as possible. We ALL want to feel love in our lives – it’s the common thread in all of us, right?
The beautiful thing about romantic relationships is that they have the ability to express love in the most profound ways. And yet, when they somehow take a turn for the worse, and we feel conflict with our partner, it’s all too easy to lose those loving feelings (perhaps this was the inspiration for ‘You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling’ from the Righteous Brothers).
But what if that could be different? What if we didn’t feel the need to rely on and expect our romantic partners to help us feel loved? Sure, it would still feel awesome to receive their love and affection, but wouldn’t it be nice if we could still feel loved even when they’re not sharing their love?
It IS possible, and this week’s message will tell you how.
The Problem With Depending on Someone Else
The problem with depending on someone else – in this case, your romantic partner – to ‘make you’ feel loved is that they can change their mind, their feelings and their behavior at any given moment. And you have no control over that.
Of course, this goes both ways. At any given moment, for whatever reason, you may change the feelings you have for your partner, and they have no control over that. We do not have control over other people’s thoughts, feelings, behavior and choices. We do, however, have control over ours.
The Solution to the Problem
The solution to this problem is simple then, right? Knowing that we don’t have control over others, but we do have control over ourselves, we get to use that power to create a healthy and loving relationship with ourselves.
Then, when you already have the sweetness of self-love, and your partner chooses to share their love with you, it’s just icing on the cake! But if they’re not sharing their love with you, there’s no need to despair, because you have a healthy dose of self-love in store. Win/win!
I’m not saying that your feelings won’t ever be hurt again, but when you have a healthy relationship with yourself, the extent to which your feelings may be hurt is a lot less!
As this week’s quote says: “It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self love deficit.” ~ Eartha Kitt
Is Loving Yourself Selfish?
Although the concept of self-love is far more accepted than it used to be, there is still some hesitancy around this subject because of the outdated belief that loving yourself is somehow selfish.
If you really think about this, it doesn’t make much sense. It’s okay for you to love your partner, your kids, your friends, your family, your pets, etc. –and it’s okay for all of them to love you – but it’s not okay to love yourself?!?!
I admit that there was a time when I was influenced by the belief that loving yourself is selfish. And during that time, my romantic relationship was extremely unhealthy. Not only did I disrespect my own feelings and needs, I allowed my partner (and others) to disrespect me as well.
We Teach Others How to Treat Us
We teach others how to treat us based on how we treat ourselves. It’s that simple, and it makes a lot of sense. But as simple as this truth is, teaching others how to treat you isn’t easy when you haven’t yet learned how to love yourself.
If learning how to love yourself is something new to you, you are in for an amazing and empowering journey. Remember that unhealthy relationship I was just talking about? When I finally had the courage to leave it, and I learned how to love myself, I was able to attract a much healthier and more loving relationship into my life.
It wasn’t always easy, and I hit some bumps along the road, but it was so worth it. And I want this for you! I want you to love yourself so much that you’re no longer willing to settle for less than what you truly want in your relationship.
Romantic relationships are supposed to be fulfilling! They’re not designed to be something that we just settle for and then always wonder if it could be better.
Doing Your Best to Make it Better
Instead of wondering if it could be better, do your best to make it better. Does this mean that changes will need to be made? Yes. Does this mean that you might need to have some difficult conversations with your partner? Probably.
But consider this…if you’re not happy with your relationship, and you continue to accept it as it is, you’re choosing (willingly or not) to ignore the desire within you to have a better relationship, which is an act of disrespect against yourself.
When you ignore your longing for a better life out of fear of change or the unknown, you are creating unnecessary stress and internal conflict. In fact, dismissing your desires is what creates the stress and internal conflict in the first place. But if you choose to respect your desires and work on bringing them about, you’re accepting responsibility for the quality of your life…and only you can do that.
Your partner is not responsible for making you happy. And you are not responsible for making them happy. When you depend on them to make you happy or to feel loved, you are giving your power to someone outside of you. You are handing your quality of life over to someone else. The power to change your relationship for the better begins with self-love and respect.
How to Fall in Love With Yourself
I trust some of these ideas are landing, and my hope is that you’re feeling more open to the idea of falling in love with yourself…if you’re not there already.
This whole month has been filled with ideas on how to love yourself. If you haven’t already tried some of the suggestions and exercises that I provided in the February 4 and February 11 messages, feel free to visit my blog page to read up on those…and then go ahead and try some of them.
One step at a time, learn how to have a more loving and healthy relationship with yourself. The momentum will build and you’ll soon be experiencing positive changes. This is how you create the life and relationships you desire…and you CAN do it!
Next week, I’ll be sharing one woman’s journey from the end of her marriage to the beginning of her own becoming. From being “jolted awake” after her husband left her to finding the fire within herself and fueling it to live an empowered life of self-love. It’s beautiful and I can’t wait to share it with you.
Stay tuned for more mindful messages. Giving you helpful tips and exercises to improve the quality of your life and relationships!
With love and support,
Healthy Relationship Coach
P.S. True love is far from mediocre, and experiencing true love is what life is all about. If you’re unhappy or unsure about your romantic relationship, and you’d like to receive some objective feedback and support from a relationship expert, go here to take advantage of your complimentary Relationship Breakthrough Session.