Let’s jump right in and get to the point. We’ll do that by letting Mandy Hale’s words lead the way: “Until you get comfortable with being alone, you’ll never know if you’re choosing someone out of love or loneliness.”
Let that sink in for a moment, and tune in to how you feel about that statement. If you’re in a relationship that doesn’t have the harmony, connection and stability you desire, are you staying because you’re afraid of being alone? Or are you staying because you’re still in love and want to find a way to make it to work?
It’s an important question, and your honest answer to that question reveals a lot!
Staying Because You’re Afraid of Being Alone
If you’re staying because you’re afraid of being alone, I want to start by saying there’s nothing wrong with you. I don’t want you to feel bad about being honest. Being honest is one of the most empowering things you can do for yourself…even (and especially) when it hurts.
I also want to say that, if you’re afraid of being alone, you’re not alone (pun intended). Thousands if not millions of people have stayed in unfulfilling relationships because they’re afraid of being alone.
Unfortunately, the stigma around being alone gets way more credit than it deserves. This societal conditioning has caused many people to believe that they’re better off being unhappy in their relationship than they are being on their own.
Another false belief about being alone is that you must not be good enough to have someone who loves you – i.e., you’re not lovable. Or that you must not be very good at relationships.
This is all a bunch of BS. Yes, I mean bullshit, but I also mean Belief Systems. When you buy into other people’s belief systems and let them dictate how you live your life, you’re doing yourself a big disservice.
Because the truth is, you and only you are responsible for the way you live your life and how happy you are. Sure, your parents were responsible for you when you were young. But you’re not a child anymore – you’re an adult. And as an adult, you have complete freedom to live your life the way you want to.
New Habits = New Opportunities for a Better Life
If you’ve been trained to believe that you need approval from others in order to be loveable, seeking outside validation may be a hard habit to break. The good news is, new habits can replace old habits, and new habits create new opportunities for living your best life.
When we choose to change a habit, most of the time we do it because we’re not happy with the results of the old habit. For example, many people change their eating habits so they can lose unwanted weight. Or change their spending habits so they can feel free from the burden of debt.
So…if you’re unhappy in your relationship, and you’re staying because you’re afraid of being alone, I challenge you to change some of the habits and beliefs you have.
If you have a habit of feeling afraid or anxious about the idea of being alone, be willing to gain a new perspective. Affirm on a daily basis that you are loveable no matter what, and you don’t need a man (or woman) in your life to prove it.
If your current belief is that you’ll avoid being alone at all costs, remind yourself that being alone and in a healthy relationship with yourself is way better than being in a relationship with someone you feel disconnected from.
Be willing to learn how to love and accept yourself so that you don’t go through the rest of your life wondering if it could be better.
This is no small task, and it doesn’t happen overnight, but you are absolutely capable of doing it! I’ve done it, and so have millions of other people.
In their own way and in their own time, millions of people have made a choice to let go of old beliefs and habits so that they can enjoy their lives at a much deeper level. You can do this, but you must say yes to yourself in order to make it work.
Being alone doesn’t mean you’ll be lonely. If you like your own company, you won’t feel lonely.
You get to (re)discover YOU and focus your time, energy and attention on all of the things that bring you joy. As you do this, you’ll fall in love with yourself.
Then, when you’re ready for another relationship, you won’t be choosing someone out of loneliness – you’ll be choosing them out of love…which I believe is the true purpose of a romantic relationship.
Staying Because You Want to Make it Work
And now to the other side of the coin…if you’re staying in an unfulfilling relationship because you still love your partner and want to find a way to make it work, many of the same principles apply, but from a different angle.
Unfortunately, a large majority of our society has chosen to settle for less than what they truly desire in their relationships because we’ve been conditioned to think that ‘that’s just the way life is, you don’t always get what you want…and maybe even as far as, ‘so why bother trying?’.
I call bullshit on this approach. I’m not saying that we always get everything we want, but I am saying that there’s no reason to settle for a relationship that you don’t really want to be in. Being in relationship should feel like an honor, not an obligation.
If you have a habit of feeling afraid or anxious about the idea of change or rocking the boat, be willing to gain a new perspective. Affirm on a daily basis that both you and your partner deserve to feel happy in your relationship and be willing to talk about what that means and how to get there.
If you’ve been stuck in a long-term pattern that feels impossible to break free of, remind yourself that anything is possible when you’re aligned and on the same page about what matters most. Be willing to forgive each other for past mistakes and to let go of the story you don’t want to tell anymore.
Be excited about creating a new chapter for your relationship and all of the growth and feelings of connection and love that will come from it.
Again, this is no small task, and it doesn’t happen overnight, but you and your partner are absolutely capable of doing it! In their own way and in their own time, millions of couples have worked through the challenges in their relationship and gotten to a whole new level of commitment and love.
This level of commitment definitely takes two. So if you and your partner aren’t on the same page about what matters most, or your partner isn’t willing to take responsibility for their part, you might need to take the blinders off and face what you’ve been trying to avoid.
Whatever Your Path Is, Honor It
Of course, everything I’ve shared here is based on my beliefs. So if these ideas doesn’t resonate with you, I respect your freedom of choice and I honor your path.
If the ideas I’ve shared do resonate with you, I hope you’ll use them as a source of inspiration to start taking action toward your desired results.
Either way, honor your path and then be willing to follow it with all of your heart and soul. You were born to live an amazing life with joy-filled and loving relationships. All you need to do is believe in yourself…and the rest will fall into place.
Stay tuned for more mindful messages. Giving you helpful tips and exercises to improve the quality of your life and relationships!
With love and support,
Healthy Relationship Coach
P.S. If you’re looking for extra guidance and support, feel free to contact me. I would love to connect with you and help you however I can!