gratitude and attitude are not challengesIn a Funk & Just Not Feeling the Gratitude?

If you live in the United States or Canada, you’re probably feeling excited to have an extra day or two off this week in honor of Thanksgiving. Yay for extra time off!

That being said, I understand that sometimes the holidays can bring a sense of added stress, especially if the current state of your romantic relationship is less than harmonious and creating a lot of stress already.

Thanksgiving usually includes getting together with extended family members, and putting your best foot forward and connecting with others might feel like an obligation rather than a reason to celebrate.

But even in the midst of a troubled relationship, you can still use this special day to your advantage. Thanksgiving is dedicated as a day of giving thanks for the blessings in our lives…and if you’re alive, you have many reasons for which to be grateful.

Every single day of your life is full of choices. What to eat, what to wear, what to say, what to put your attention on, where to go, how to get there…the list goes on.

When you allow yourself to get wrapped up in your struggles, it’s really difficult to remember the good things in your life. But if you’re willing to stop the spin cycle of frustration and change the focus of your attention, even if just for a moment, you can make your life much easier.

It’s all about choice and a willingness to choose what enhances the quality of your life. So on a day dedicated to feeling gratitude, what do you choose…depreciation or appreciation?

Okay…so I get that this is easier said than done. Believe me, I still have plenty of moments of struggling! And sometimes it’s way easier than others to pull myself out of it.

This is part of the reason why I highly recommend a consistent practice of gratitude…so that when the difficult times come around, you’re already familiar with a regular feeling of gratitude and can more easily shift your focus to that place.

But even if you’re not yet engaging in a gratitude practice, you can still make that shift. Whenever you’re in a funk and the idea of consciously choosing gratitude makes you feel even more frustrated, try this:

  • First acknowledge that you’re in a funk…it’s okay, you’re human. Trying to dismiss your frustration without acknowledging it doesn’t help.
  • Next, be willing to acknowledge that even though you’re feeling frustrated, you love and accept yourself anyway. We tend to beat ourselves up when we’re frustrated, and that only makes it worse.
  • Then, go ahead and have an internal dialogue with yourself (not with your partner) about what’s causing your feeling of frustration…it might go something like this:
    • I am not happy about my relationship.
    • It feels like a lot of work and I’m tired.
    • It’s not where I want it to be and this frustrates me.
    • I do NOT like feeling this way.
    • I am so done with feeling discouraged!
    • What am I doing? I wonder if this is ever going to work.
      (tailor this internal dialogue to whatever is going on for YOU…it will be more effective if you make it real and personal)
  • If you’re by yourself or in a place where you can verbally express your frustration, go for it! On days when I’m feeling irritable and impatient, it’s not uncommon for me to yell ARRRGGGHHH! It’s a release and it feels good!
  • After you’ve expressed your feelings of frustration (you might have a much longer list than the above…go for it!), start shifting your internal dialogue to something like this:

    • But…I am willing to be open to change. I am open to feeling better in this moment.
    • I am open to feeling less discouraged because I know it’s better for my health.
    • I am open to finding ways to relieve my stress so that I can move forward with better choices.
    • Part of me wants to climb into a hole and give up, but a much bigger part of me knows that I deserve to have good things in my life.
    • I am willing to listen to that bigger part of me.
    • I choose to focus on what is going right for me.
    • I have so much to be grateful for…a roof over my head, loving friends and family, my health, a reliable source of transportation, all sorts of resources that can support me through my challenging times, etc. (again, tailor this part to whatever is true in your life…it will be much more effective.)
  • And finally, take a nice deep breath and exhale with a noticeable and audible sigh of relief. If you feel the need to do this 2 or 3 times, listen to your body…it feels really good to exhale when we make this kind of mental and emotional shift.

If you just read this exercise and didn’t actually try it, please take a few moments to go back and participate in it this time. This method is very helpful and I want you to feel the benefits.

I’m not suggesting that this is easy, or that it will change the way you currently feel about your relationship. But I am suggesting that this practice of shifting your attention from what’s bothersome to what’s favorable will help you feel more at peace in that moment.

And if you know you’ll be getting together with family and friends to celebrate the holidays, you’ll feel better prepared to do it with joy instead of a sense of burden.

Please don’t fool yourself into thinking that just because you’re expressing gratitude that your partner will think everything is okay and you don’t want him or her to think that. Whatever issues are causing a disconnect still need to be addressed, no doubt.

There is a time and a place for everything. When you’re ready to communicate with your partner from a place of honesty and respect about what needs to be addressed in your relationship, you’ll know it’s time.

When you’re choosing to engage in a holiday celebration that’s much more enjoyable when you’re feeling less stressed, this exercise of shifting your focus will be extremely beneficial.

It’s all about choice and a willingness to choose what enhances the quality of your life in each and every moment. What do you choose?

Stay tuned for more mindful messages. Giving you tips, exercises and helpful information to improve the quality of your romantic relationship!

Love,

Catherine Dietz
Healthy Relationship Coach

P.S. Thank you for your interest in these mindful messages. Thank you for choosing to be thoughtful about the health of your relationship and your willingness to take action to improve its quality. And most importantly, thank you for being YOU! Happy Thanksgiving!